“This is the fifth article of eight about women. This article focuses more on mating and aspects related to establishing a relation. The angle of the article is a combination between Chinese medicine, Chinese psychology and Western science. Remember the article are provocative to stimulate growth. Note that the references will be published on the seminars “Women and TCM”.
Welcome to read The user manual for Women part 5. Enjoy.”
警配种 Jǐng Pèizhǒng Mating alert
The female brain will automatically search for the best possible perceived male present, using subtle parameters genetically stored in the congenital essence to analyze all men. The young woman is programmed to localize the best possible mating partner through considering his symmetry (genetics) and socio economic status (possibility to primarily raise and protect her offspring; not his!). After having considered different elements and found the man to be a potential catch, she will start to imprint a man as a mating partner. As she is imprinting him, we also find her to automatically increase her testosterone and thereby also her sexual interest in him. Yang increases and her activity in Hun changes dramatically. She becomes active, creative, sexual and interested in the male. In short, she does everything to catch the imprinted man.
Commonly we think that men are chasers and women choosers, and this is also correct to a large extent. Evolution has made “chase and choose” the most efficient way for the humans to pass our genetics to the best fitted partner. Women search for a male that has good health, solid economy and a high social status to become the father to her children. Our genetics are pre-programmed from birth in our congenital essence, and activated in puberty. Step by step our genetic traits activate aspects that push our minds towards fixed patterns in distinct periods of our personal evolution. Our traits are not connected to only look good at a party, chatting eagerly on cellphone or to dance great to pulsating pop music; everything has a purpose. In an indirect way everything plays around pair-bounding, mating, childbirth and long-term attachment. Show what you have, and see what you get/ qualify for. Women are terrified to not fulfill the above mentioned factors; YES terrified! The biology of our mind is constructed for this (perhaps) sole purpose – the continuation of the human race. The origin of our genetic traits comes from ancestors with reproductive success. Our ancestors constructed our congenital essence and thereby our Li. The persons that got children that grew up to also reproduce and to got surviving offspring. Families with continuation in their genetic transmission are us; you and me.
The persons that did not manage to attract the other gender to reproduce, failed and dropped out of our evolutionary race. People that did not take sufficiently good care of their offspring also died out. Women need to find a man or create a situation where her children survive. The genetic imprint only exists from the winners, the people that managed to push their genes forward; the founders of our congenital essence. We are sitting here as living proves of our past; our ancestors winning past. Through the thousands of years we have existed as humans we find the carrying instincts basically unchanged. The arenas might be changed, but we are still up for the same game. Women are still more interested in material resources and social status, than physical! Okay, research has shown that women want a man that is minimum 4 cm taller and about 3.5 years older than her. She simply wants a provider for her and her offspring that also gives safety for her children. Men can in theory make women pregnant daily for most of his life (Yang), but women have only a limited amount of eggs, long time of pregnancy and – recovery (Yin). This is why she is more careful in her selection of partner. Facing a life without a man might jeopardize the survival in the offspring and not to mention her. Men on the other side prefer attractive women in the reproductive age between 20 and 40 years of age; younger or older is not that preferable. He wants her to have a curvy body (big breasts and – hips), full lips, pale skin, shiny hair and bright eyes; shining of vitality and health as an indicator of strong genes and reproduction possibilities. He will normally select a 2.5 year younger woman. In other words, he searches for pure fertility markers (mainly) created by estrogen. It is important for us to understand that the preferences of men and women are culturally independent (f. ex. People in Uganda, USA, China and Denmark prefer the same), making this genetic traits and basically what our ancestors wanted, searched for, and what we still search for today. Perhaps we might sum this up as we started, women want a man that protect and provide, and the man simply wants her pregnant and healthy.
One interesting aspect we cannot pass is the connecting fact that the body of a man and a woman is before puberty basically identical. Yang gang (masculine) and Yin rou (feminine) starts to develop in puberty. Gender specific characteristics together with potential pregnancy emerge when estrogen and testosterone starts to circulate. Women get breasts and hips, and men muscles and body hairs. Not all women get a perfect body, so modern science has developed ways to help them to achieve the perfect figure through breast implants and liposuction; did I mention expensive eyelash extensions, fake nails, lipstick, hair extension, solarium, depilation, botox, cosmetically surgery and millions of skin -, nail – and hair products. If it is impossible to make her physical appearance better she will try to recompense with a better personality and/ or more services to the man. The woman work hard to get the maximum out of herself; normally men are more relaxed in this regard. Men tend to focus more on socio-economic factors.
Another aspect of interest is the social reputation of the woman. What OTHERS say about a woman is very important for a man. This is closely related to rumors; remember women are masters of rumors. Other women are the main source to the social reputation. The main turn off for a man is female promiscuity! Few men would try to like a long-term relation with “cheap” woman, meaning promiscuous and unfaithful! A sexual affair is something else, but he would never try to make her pregnant. The reason for this is the main dilemma for men, how can men assure that the baby (she is carrying) is his and not of another man. A pregnant potential unfaithful girlfriend is all men’s nightmare! All indicators of unfaithfulness, promiscuity and relations with other men function as a total turn off for a man. Men in love become visual (they look at her). Women on the other side normally increase their attention to the selected man (provide him with favors), remembering things. When in love the critical thinking in the brain is switched off in both genders. Mistakes of the other do not matter in this phase or exist, making it possible to accept previous errors conducted by the man or the woman before. Rumors will function as a filter, but when deeply in love… you are totally lost.
Interestingly enough men divide their mating into short-term – and long-term mating. Short-term mating is just an affair, but long-term mating is the women of his life. For a woman these two aspects might create a problem. She needs a man wanting to commit himself to her 100%; long-term mating. Her biological watch is ticking. She needs to get pregnant, and get offspring quickly with a man that is safe for her and the offspring. Her congenital essence has programmed her to unconscious think on these factors. If she picks the wrong male to mate with her, her offspring will get into great problems later. This is the reason for her anxious behavior and the Amygdala created fear. As we know anxiety and fear are in Chinese medicine related to kidney zang. Kidney stores the essence as kidney essence. Remember these two words about men: “MEN CHEAT!” It is a fact that men portraits themselves as better than they really are; friendlier, more helpful, more sincere and more trustworthy. Men do this to get to the woman easier. This creative deceiving lies from the mom depends on the Qi in Hun. Let us put in nice, through deceiving women, the man will get access to a higher quality female than he is qualified for. Most likely we find a natural selection for this cheating male since he is an expert in deceiving the women. Of course, this is also the root to the need for a woman to spot lies and exaggerations in men. Women with poor abilities to spot lies had died offspring-less as a result of the cheating male. Perhaps some women spot more lies than the men actually tell; better safe than sorry. For many men this is actually a genuine problem, since often women interpret their truths as lies. At the same time women love a good lier. A good lier will attract her as to a forbidden fruit. Never forget that a good lier might protect her offspring in ways other cannot. As we all know, this sword got two sides, liers lie wherever he might lie no matter who he lie to.
When a man and a woman have met and decided to couple together as Yin/ Yang, we see that the woman will let her “Love drive” level with her “Sex drive”. When love exists we find the brain become totally illogical or blind if you prefer. When her Qi reaches its maximum in Yang we find it transform to Yin; seeing everything became seeing nothing. This blindness tends to last for six months; scientifically speaking.
Totally blind is perhaps not completely correct since they depends 100% on each other in their temporal helplessness or – blindness. Interestingly enough we find obsession and hunger share the same brain circuits. Love related obsessions might be called infatuation love. This distinct sensation of love is stimulated by known chemical substances as estrogen, testosterone, oxytocin and dopamine. Heart zang is related to love and Spleen zang to hunger; Shen and Yi demonstrating their intimate relation with this issue. We also need to look closer into the amygdala since here is the origin to the partly mental shut down, a mental shut down that create a world without worries and critical thinking. When Hun is pushed to its Duliang (in an adult brain) we find a Fanying (mirroring) in Po, but in an immature we find Hun create aggression and shutdown, as manifest in the common teenager blindness or short-sightness regarding future.
Oxytocin and dopamine creates the bounding part. It is possible to substitute the emotional bonding with other oxytocin and dopamine increasing activities such as hugging, kissing and sex with orgasm. When this chemicals increases we find anxiety to be reduced and the love sensation increased; the person feel good. Anxiety is a kidney yin xu – or a kidney yang shi state. Love is a heart yin xu or heart yang shi states. We know that kidney zang give Yin to heart zang, and heart zang give Yang to kidney zang. When dealing with emotional aspects we need to understand that this is psychic qi in movement. Psychic qi normally gives shi-states. To increase love and reduce anxiety we need to get more Yin to kidney zang and less Yang to heart zang. This is possible only if the connection between kidney and heart is in harmony. An interrupted or blocked connection will make the situation worse. The pubertal mind will block the connections kidney-heart when the love created blindness starts. If the collateral kidney to heart does not function properly, we find Yin with the destination heart zang to stay in kidney zang. In this way Yin will accumulate in kidney zang, and create a deficiency in heart zang; Heart yin xu. A Yin state in kidney zang creates less anxiety and a Yang state in heart zang; love and happiness.
The teenager goes totally blind. It is also possible to state that love and anxiety are Fang wei; defense mechanisms. Fang wei switches on and off according to its necessity. It is time for anxiety and a time for love; on/ off. When a couple needs to bound it is favorable with a bad connection between kidney and heart zang, making oxytocin create a bad connection in this collateral. In short, to touch each other will increase bounding and the sensation of union. If separated we actually find the bounded couple mainly to feel uncomfortable due to the withdrawal of chemicals, and NOT due to psychological reasons. Fang weis do not switch off that quickly. The reason to this is the essence of this Fang wei bounding to have a lasting protection for the offspring. Our congenital essence is there for the survival of humans and Fang weis are a way to manipulate us. We become addicted to the other persons closeness and stimulation. Lack of physical closeness is more frequently the reason than a simple lack of a psychological friend. Research has shown that a 30 seconds hug will create an increased secretion of oxytocin. Oxytocin creates an intense sensation of trust. If you have high levels of oxytocin you will be more willing to trust strangers. We might state that oxytocin related activities like getting a hug, having sex or winning in lotto will create a situation of mental paralysis (you cannot think). When you go black due to oxytocin you should not decide anything.
The dopamine levels will gradually decrease as the rewarding chemical mix reduces and our bounding circuit starts activating. This is the change from the intimate romantic love that blinded and made the couple a couple to a more proper long-term relation, after Yang follows Yin. This is basically the change from pure dopamine intensity to oxytocin bounding. The new mix creates a sensation of togetherness between the couple – unity. New couples will together experience most of their activities positivly and blinded, and slowly they will start feeling as a team. When feeling as a team they also start to experience critical thinking, but of course mixed with a togetherness feeling. The two hormones that dominates are vasopressin (antidiuretic hormone – ADH) and oxytocin both produced by the hypophysis. In women we find oxytocin and estrogen connected to their social bounding and the actual function as a parent; in men ADH have this function, Making oxytocin and estrogen have a Yin function in women and ADH a Yin function in men speaking about bounding. Women have more receptors for oxytocin and men have more receptors for ADH. As a result we find both genders prone to respond to their bounding and parenting activator. It is theorized that the amount of ADH receptors in the male brain generate an increased chance for a monogamous life, taking better care of the children and – wife, and a preference for grooming. This indicates that male monogamy might be genetically predetermined in the congenital essence and not shaped by the example of others. When men have sex and get orgasm we find something interesting happen in his body. A mix between orgasm and testosterone will create both an increased energy to do something and give an elevated attention to what is needed well after the Qi xu (fatigue) have finished. If a woman has sexual relations with her man on regular basis she will get more attention from him and he will become more vital. Elevated levels of ADH will make the man follow his woman in his thoughts. She will yininize him to connect with her; “She put a spell on him!” Women on the other side will bond when she receives a man’s closeness and sexual pleasure mixed with dopamine and oxytocin. Touching your wife makes her secrete oxytocin, and makes her feel more yours. In short, sex raise oxytocin in women and – ADH in men, and make both genders relax and bond.
Never forget that the oxytocin levels in men drop three times quicker than in women, making men 3 times more eager and 3 times more addicted to women! When a couple is separated for some time we find the male brain start to lack hormones first, and an urge for intimacy might occur. This does NOT indicate infidelity, but an urge to spend intimate time with their woman. Sexual thoughts and lack of attention from his woman will fill his mind; circulate between Shen and Zhi. Couples depend on each other to maintain constant normal (elevated) levels. This is a type of security mechanism for the relationship as couple and for the offspring to have TWO parents. Ironical to think about that Mother Nature DRUG couples to stay together. Again as in most aspects we have the congenital essence helping us in doing the right choices. The trick might be summed up to be “Listen to your inner voice”.
Here is a small fact that men NEED to understand: Cortisol blocks oxytocin in the brain in a woman. This might sound a little boring, but it has consequences. When a woman is stressed (we all get stressed from time to time) she loses all her sexual interest. She hate it and she think sex is very dirty, stupid and something that only primitive creatures do. Stress is considered to be the main source for cortisol; the stress hormone. Cortisol is Yang in relation to oxytocin that relaxes the woman; oxytocin is Yin. Yang states in a woman reduces her sexual interest, and Yin states increases her sexual interest. It does not exist anything that might turn her on when she is stressed. The man on the other side would like more sex when he is stressed. Stress for a man works like a stress catalyzer; lowering the shoulders and makes him relax. In stressed situations: Men want sex and Women not! He needs to have sex to relax, and she needs to relax to have sex. This has nothing to do with their love for each other. This is pure chemistry; cyclical Yin/ Yang. That is why we need to remember that women need calmness to get in the mood and men need the little extra.
Intimacy between women and men is an important connection to reproduction. On one side we have the female searching for perfect protective and caring partner for her and her future offspring, and on the other side we have the man searching for a woman with good genetics ready to get pregnant. From different complex reasons they find each other (perhaps that need each other), becoming intimate and blind for everything – and everybody else. The hormonal situation changes and makes them have frequent sexual relations and bound deeply as a couple. Finally they develop a strong feeling of togetherness; becoming a type of team. Well, they become addicted to each other chemically. This attachment feeling they develop will activate a system for taking care of offspring that might occur after their increased sexual activity. Sex increases the levels of dopamine and oxytocin dramatically. Slowly in this phase we might observe a change from frequent sex to a focus on family; extreme Yang to Yin. The reduced sexual intensity and increased attachment will create a stronger and deeper founded couple. If one of the couple is put to the side or feel dumped we find the person going back to the love phase, and we find love flame up again in this person.
Naturally when losing a person as a couple all the hormones connected to that person will go away and abstinence begins. Remember that nature have made us addicted to each other. Lasting addiction to a distinct person, and not whoever you meet on the street. Amygdala will create a profound fear that spreads through the body. Congenital essence kicks in and activates a Fan ying (defense mechanism) localized in kidney zang. We find a Yang state in the psychic qi in the kidney flame up with a profound Fear as the result. The mind becomes filled with thoughts and fear about losing the loved one. Woman that experience lost love will often get depressed, insomnia, cry and develop concentration problems. This feeling is really only signals from depressed dopamine levels or abstinence symptoms if you prefer. If the loss is profound or the lack of something is perceived strongly, we will find her getting an elevated activity in Hun and a development of a Yang state in kidney zang. This elevated activity in Hun will create liver qi stagnation and a depression. The depression might be seen as a Fang wei. This Fang wei makes her quiet and imploding (never exploding); simple Nei (inner) techniques. A sensation of rejection will create the same brain activity as being in real pain; she will suffer! Nature has created us like this to keep us in our proper relations to pass on our genes to future generations in the best way; protected within the framework of a dedicated and connected couple.
The writer of this article gives seminars about Chinese medicine and Chinese psychology all over the world! Go to this page to find out how.